Wrestling with the Past

Wrestling with the Past
Photo by Ahmed Nishaath / Unsplash

This is different from what I normally write. Usually, I take the time to process and try to understand the "why". This is more of my raw take, and because of that I'm calling this "Behind the Scenes". I really couldn't get past this one, it just needed to be out of my head and Full disclosure, it's a pretty rough story.

One last thing, this is my take on what happened. I don't have the best memory and emotions shade how we remember things anyway. I'm a firm believer that there are 3 sides to every story. What I think happened, what they think happened and what really happened.

My mom assures me there is nothing I can do to ruin our relationship. I really need that today because I just can't stop thinking about it. Just know I love you and it's not meant to hurt.

A few days ago I was on the phone with my mom and we were going over what all I was going to put in part 2 of Raising Cody. I mentioned I want to get all the bad stuff in part 2 so we can start fresh in part 3. So we both are listing major events and I got really overwhelmed. There has been so much bad between mom and me, and sometimes I forget but it's still there.

Then she said something that caught me totally off guard,

"Do you remember the time where you were trying to beat the windows out of the truck to kill me?"

In no way have I ever wanted to kill my mother and I had no idea what she was talking about so I responded.

"Um, no what are you talking about?"

My mother reminded me of a tough fight we had. This was an especially hard period for both of us, my stepdad had just died and I had moved back in with mom. I was trying to do better but like always I gave up. My life was full of periods of trying hard, failing, hitting rock bottom, screwing up, and starting the process all over again.

I was in bed hungover from the night before. My mom came and got me out of bed saying a friend had a flat tire and she needed my help.

I get up, get ready and meet her outside and jump in the truck. While she's backing up, I see the trash cans were full and we should take them to the road. I hop out to grab them and she reaches over and slams the door behind me.

I thought that's weird, I pull on the handle and it's locked. I look up at my mom, which has a look of pure terror on her face. I'm confused but point at the lock and say open the door.

She yells back "NO, Get back!" So I yell back, "Just let me in the damn truck!" I see her start reaching for something so I walk around the truck to her side. I was going to open her door, hit the unlock button, and go back to get in my side. By the time I reach her side I see her phone in her hand. I grab the handle and pull, it's locked.

She shows her phone with 911 dialed and yells "Get back, get back! I'll call the police." At this point, I'm hurt and mad, I yell back "I was just getting the f***ing trash cans, why are you doing this, just let me in!" But eventually, I give up and she drives off.

I remember feeling so defeated and powerless, I was angry and just wanted to go back to sleep. But of course, the door to the house was locked. I wanted to turn the door into splinters, but I didn't. I knew it would make things worse. I just had to sit there and make sure I was calm before mom came back home.

Looking back I felt this way many times before, one step forward and 8 steps back. Many times, I made up my mind that I would "go straight."But every time I tried, even if it was just in my head, the world just had to remind me I was the bad kid. Trust me, it's not the world's fault, I did everything but damn it, things just didn't have to be so hard.

I've had a little time to think over this event and what it meant, so here's my "refined" take. Looking back this really shaped how I saw the world. You may think this was a small event taking out of context. Not against my mom, but in one shape or form, this happened many times.

I came to the conclusion, I wasn't allowed to get angry, my intentions didn't matter, and above all, I was scripted to lose. Sitting there on the porch with my head in my hands, I was more committed to failure than I ever realized.

A few more days to think and here's what I came up with. We can't make right our wrongs, it's up to them to forgive, and closure is a choice.

I'll tie a little back to this story in part 2 of Raising Cody. Till then...

Written by Cody W Tucker

Eternal optimist. Founder of TMV Social and Nebraska's Best business directory.
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